The business of proposing

Do the decent thing. It's the wedding season. What do you do? Avoid the arguments, seize the moment and get down on that knee? Or are you still nurturing 'Terry and June' nightmares of interminable couple hell?

Get real. It doesn't have to be that way. If you've been stepping out for what seems like a lifetime already, or you've been living together for God knows how long, there comes a time when it just becomes rude not to have popped the question.

Understand that every woman reaches a stage in her life when she wants you to be legally obliged to come home every night. Don't fight it, resistance is futile. Like a bungee jump, you know you have to do one sometime.

But be calm. Don't panic. You will know in your heart of hearts if you do want to get hitched. If it feels like you're about to resign yourself to a life sentence, best not say anything for the moment. However, if you feel like moving your life on and putting a bit of deep and meaningful into your daily grind, then now sounds like a good time.

But be aware that not only do you have to get your own head around the 'lifetime commitment' thing, but the whole politics of the proposal too.

Do you really have to ask her dad first? What about the ring? A choice to be made together? Or be bold, be traditional and buy it solo? And how much do you spend? What are her favourite stones? Where do you ask her? In the pub? Over a curry? Aaaaagh, so many decisions!

Breathe. That's it, relax. In terms of good long-term diplomatic relations, do ask her dad for her hand. Have you ever wondered why there are so many in-law jokes? It's because they're true. So manage them.

Believe me, vast sums of good will could well be generated by you doing the decent thing. Of course, if they hate your guts and would rather be hung, drawn and quartered than see their innocent baby girl marry a no-brainer Neanderthal like yourself, then I would advise you to get your girl's agreement first. The last thing you want is the love of your life being bundled into the back of a white transit, her parents pushing a one-way ticket to Katmandu into her hand.

The next concern is the ring. The ring is crucial. No girl wants to wear something for the rest of her life that looks like it fell out of a Christmas cracker. Take advice. Mutual girlfriends come in handy here, BUT NOT EXES. I have known bitter, but friendly ex-girlfriends help to select rings that would not look out of place on a curtain rail.

Some ropy Ratners tat will only be a source of a lifetime's smouldering resentment. Diamonds are a good thing. The bigger the better. Just go for the most expensive diamond you can afford - how hard can that be? Everyone has a budget, but that's where your flexible friend comes in handy (and I don't mean your future fiance). Alternatively you could wait and choose it together - if you want to spend twelve weekends window-shopping, that is.

You may be wondering at this moment why you have to bother with all this preparation. Well, bear one thing in mind - her expectations are high. And when I say high, we're talking stratospheric. Your proposal is the first step towards a childhood dream that your girlfriend will have entertained since the playground. Even the coolest cat goes to pieces when her ideal man drops on one knee.

Your role-play in the proposal had better be an Oscar-worthy performance. Select your location with care. Your local curry house is a thought, but only if you want to leave wearing your vindaloo. Likewise, a pissed post-coital query doesn't have the same effect either. Location, location, location. Her favourite beach as a child. Her favourite restaurant. Over a sunset on some exotic island. But not in the loo where you first 'did it'.

Always keep in mind you are doing the groundwork for making memories. You want the best possible start down a long, but rewarding road. Now all you have to do is actually ask her. You have permission, the ring and the ideal spot, what could possibly go wrong?

Be careful with being too ambitious. In Paris, the city of love, Francis Limond attached a ring to the collar of his fiancée-to-be's cat, assuming it would trot into the living room to be scooped up affectionately by his unsuspecting girlfriend. Then he trod on its tail. The cat screeched to high heaven, bolted out of the cat flap and across the road into oncoming traffic. The ring was never quite the same (especially after it had been fished out of a kebab a few weeks later).

Then again, a wealthy mate of mine took his girlfriend on holiday for three weeks in Australia. While up near the Great Barrier Reef he had them both picked up by private helicopter, flown thirty miles out to sea on the reef, where he had a table for two set up in the shallow water, miles from anywhere. On the table were Champagne, oysters and a diamond-encrusted engagement ring. She couldn't get her 'yes' out quick enough. Bottom line is that all you need is a bit of inspiration and imagination, oh and cash helps too.

The 'miles from anywhere' is a nice touch. Proposing in public often backfires, so drop the chat show, radio request and PA system ideas. Chris, another mate (no cash, no sense) popped the question by turning up at his girlfriend's place of work and dropping on one knee in the middle of her trading floor. She died of embarrassment, point blankly refused, dumped him and ended up taking out a court order against him. Not exactly a Champagne scenario. Oh, and always keep the ring receipt, just in case. And do propose face to face. In America, e-mail seems to be an increasingly popular medium through which reticent Romeos pop the question. Marryme.com is one of the popular sites visited in LA. Why isn't that hard to believe?

As for the question itself, that's the easy part. Once you're on the beach/cliff top/restaurant (or all three), you'll be so psyched up you'll probably blurt it out over your starter. But at least it's out there. And if she says no? To hell with her. Her loss, not yours. But don't be 55 regretting you never asked. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Take your ring back and go on a bender with the boys.

Good luck - and remember K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple and Sincere. A banner unfolding along Tower Bridge saying 'Will you marry me?' may have worked in 'Hart to Hart', but let's face it, a 70's TV detective couple you are not. And just think, once you've proposed, all you have to worry about is the wedding...

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